I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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