I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
