I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
