I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
