so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
