so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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