A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
