Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
And then he peed in my hair
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
