Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
How does one acquire holy water?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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