i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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