How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
