so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
