Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
