Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
