Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
