Welp...herpes.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
