I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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