I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
