Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
