I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
