Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
worst night to have a conscience
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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