morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
