Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
