Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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