The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
