i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
