Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
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