someone threw a dead crab at me
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
