Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
