i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
