she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
