She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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