if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
