Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
If I die, sorry about rent.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
