just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We have started to decorate penises.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
