he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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