so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
im six kinds of drunk right now
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
a search helicopter?!
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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