My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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