don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
