Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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