Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My nipple is on Facebook.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
