Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
