absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
