just come out here and I will go home with you...
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
