How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
