I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
