I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Randomize
