i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Dicks are not precious.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
