walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
