I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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