so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
