She's JV to your varsity
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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