This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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