I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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