i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
