Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
