I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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