worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
