I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
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Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
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And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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