If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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