if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
